Thursday, May 24, 2007

Candidate Mockery Roundup, T-Minus 18 months edition

Who says it's not an election year? Let's run down some candidate comedy, as its never too early to experience the dread and despair of trying to choose between a Republican and a Democrat.

First up is McCain. Some shill says,
"We are in the midst of a slow-motion war, and McCain is a warrior. He knows the world, its dangers and wonders; he knows the military, its powers and its limitations."
He's a warrior? Who are you, John Madden? Sometimes it takes a sentence like that to make it clear how detached the press is from reality. "Knows the miliary's limitations." Good one. Let's be clear. Number of prominent candidates not named Ron Paul who have the slightest inkling about the limitations of American military power: zero.

I'm looking at you, Obama:

I reject the notion that the American moment has passed. I dismiss the cynics who say that this new century cannot be another when, in the words of President Franklin Roosevelt, we lead the world in battling immediate evils and promoting the ultimate good.

I still believe that America is the last, best hope of Earth. We just have to show the world why this is so. This President may occupy the White House, but for the last six years the position of leader of the free world has remained open. And it’s time to fill that role once more.

Anyway, back to McCain. Yglesias more or less gets it:

After all, I see no evidence whatsoever that McCain believes the military has any limitations. The only criticism I've ever seen John McCain make of either Bill Clinton's foreign policy or George W. Bush's foreign policy is that he has, at various points, accused both men of being unduly reluctant to start wars and then, once wars have been started, to accuse both men of sending an insufficient level of manpower and firepower to fight in the wars.
He's got more, but it's mostly making fun of said shill; amusing in a fish-barrel sort of way. Anyway, not a heck of a lot more needs to be said about McCain; his Iraq war policy follows Hayek's script to the letter. A policy isn't working? We need more of it!

Let's reiterate that his most prominent opponents are a cross-dresser and a guy from Massachusetts whose favorite book is Dianetics. Oh yeah, and he'll be 72 years old in November 2008.

Anyway, let's move on.

Hillary is picking out her campaign theme song, and she wants the internet to help. Allow me to submit that U2's Beautiful Day is clearly the optimal choice.
  1. U2 peaked over a decade ago, just like Hillary
  2. Bono is pure comedy to conservatives, just like Hillary
  3. That song is soulless and calculated and only is in the public consciousness because of endless marketing money - just like Hillary's campaign
And then there's John Edwards. Hit & Run has this fine story from Bob Shrum, which has nothing to do with lawsuits or hair gel:

Kerry had qualms about Edwards from the start, Shrum writes, but grew "even queasier about Edwards after they met. Edwards had told Kerry he was going to share a story with him that he'd never told anyone else--that after his son Wade had been killed, he climbed onto the slab at the funeral home, laid there and hugged his body, and promised that he'd do all he could to make life better for people, to live up to Wade's ideals of service. Kerry was stunned, not moved, because, as he told me later, Edwards had recounted the exact story to him, almost in the exact same words, a year or two before--and with the same preface, that he'd never shared the memory with anyone else. Kerry said he found it chilling, and he decided he couldn't pick Edwards unless he met with him again."
And of course Kerry chose him as his running mate anyway. Refer to Rule #1.

The charade has only begun. Stay tuned. On second thought, don't.

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